Just Once
by The Deity Of Fun Dinner
Summary: Just a cute angsty little Mir/San one shot, I'm quite proud of it. wrote for my Self challenge (see bio) Rated for very mild swearing...but we all know how fanfiction can be..so it was a 'just in case' rating..


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Just Once

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Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. Honestly, do you people really think that if I were Rumiko Takahashi I would post a fanfic about my own characters?!

Note: This won't make as much sense unless you have read Manga chapter 292: A special girl. For Inuyasha Manga translations, go here: www. wot-club. org.uk/Inuyasha/ 

(Disclaimer: I do not own that site)

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*****************Miroku's POV*******************************************

You know, just once I would like to forget about everything, the shards, Naraku, _this damn whole in my hand_…everything. Just once I'd like a break from the pain of thinking about, no _worrying_ about, each one.

__

She sits beside me, up against the wall of the hut we are staying at for the night, this hut that I just so happened to feel an 'evil aura' about. _She_ isn't asleep, her eyes are closed, but when it comes to her, that hardly means anything.

Alright, given that information, I'll give you one guess as to who _she_ is, hell I'll even give you a hint. It's not Kagome, and kami knows it isn't Kirara.

Sango.

She's not asleep and you'd have to be an idiot _not_ to know why.

Shippo and Kirara had fallen asleep almost the minute we arrived here, I must admit we _did_ have a very tiring day.

Kagome fell asleep hours ago, even Inuyasha dozed off not _too_ long ago. 

But I'm awake, and so is Sango, although I'm sure she'd rather have me believe she's not.

So what is it that has my dear Sango restless? Simple. Obvious.

She's worrying. She does that too much for her own good.

But I don't guess there's not anything I can do about that. Who would _I_ be to intrude on someone's inner turmoil? With all the walls I've built up around my self, I'd be a hypocrite to say she should just let it out.

The girl is still in her pleasingly tight battle suit. I really don't have the faintest as to why she's still wearing it, I don't imagine it can be too comfortable to sleep in, but hey, I'm not about to complain. Maybe it's just because we all got stuck in one room tonight, and, perhaps rightfully so, she's a little, shall we say, 'uneasy' around me…

Speaking of which..

If she _is_ wearing it for prevention of me and my um 'actions', than why is she sitting so close to me? And I'm not exaggerating either, she's absolutely sitting _dangerously_ close, so close that, if I so happened to want to, all I would have to do is reach my hand out and… well, do what I'm known best for.

She opens one eye in a manner so sluggish and slow it's way to clear that it was meant to lead me to believe she had been asleep, Sango darling, try to be a bit more subtle next time, alright? I told you she wasn't sleeping.

"Houshi-sama keep your hands to yourself."

She knows me too well. My hand hadn't even left my lap! Have I let down my walls so much with her that she can predict me so well? Or is it just that, to her, although the walls are clearly visible, they're still yet transparent.

I see her still waiting for a reaction so I simply nod. That's all, just a nod, none of my usual, feigned shocked, 'Sango! How could you think such things of me' act. There's no real reason I didn't say it this time, other than the fact that I just don't feel like bothering with it. After all, what's the point? It's just me and her, and if she can already see through me, than there is no need for me to put on my little show.

She seems somewhat surprised by this, though she tries her best to hide it.

Oh hell, now I've probably got her worried about me. Well, there's one way to fix that.

I grin at her, that lopsided grin that I use far too much than is healthy for the average human. At least, that's what Kagome-sama says, but I'm pretty sure there's a good chance she may have made that up just to see if it would make me think twice before groping. 

That I would even consider curving my lifestyle to try to be 'healthy', I've got a _whole _in my hand that's _going to devour me someday. _I've got bigger things to worry about.

Well, my small act of lecherism seems to have settled her worries, at least the one's recently developed from my lack of an act of innocent indignation. Yep, the grin satisfied her, she's gone and closed her eye again. 

  
And apparently, now I'm supposed to believe that since her eyes are closed, she must be sleeping. _Right._

She can't sleep, not when she's so tense right now. Worried. Upset. I can feel it, her aura is so agitated it's impossible to ignore, almost as if it's _asking_ to be noticed.

But like I said, I can't do anything about it. So why not muse on my own problems? 

What, basking in self pity isn't a _healthy_ thing to do either? 

I finally asked her _that _question. Oh you know, that question I've asked so many times 

Kagome-sama says I've probably sat a world record. Now I'm not sure what that is, but the way she said it seemed to imply it wasn't a good thing. 

Will you bare my child?

That has to be the single most straightforward pick up line out there. And don't think I think it's brilliant and charming. Just hearing such a corny thing escape my mouth disgusts me. Yet I ask it to almost every single girl that crosses my path.

Except her. 

I didn't ask _her_ when I met her. Maybe it was do to the inconveniency of the situation, the girl had just lost everything, and even I would never sink _that_ low. Maybe it was just that at that time it was inconvenient, so I intended to do it later, and just never got around to it. 

Or maybe it was because I _knew_. 

That she was different. Better. Someone who could understand me even more than I understand myself. 

Special.

And that strange hunch had turned out to be so true. Sango is definitely something special, she means the world to me. And now.. now she knows.

I told her. It was only a few weeks ago. Even now I'm not quite sure what ever possessed me to go and tell her right _then. _It wasn't necessary, she wasn't on her deathbed, she hadn't asked, and we weren't even on the topic. 

No.. I take that back, the first one at least, it _was_ necessary. For one reason, it had gotten her in trouble, my 'bad habits with women', as she calls them. Sure, it turned out alright in the end, but what if it hadn't? It would have been my fault. So I had to tell her so as to avoid something like this happening again.

And for another reason. I just _had_ to tell her. Now listen to me, I have a lot of self restraint. Yes, truly, I do. Ignore the groping, ignore the immoral behavior. I have self restraint. Think about it.

How much self restraint does one have to have to not fall in love when they already are?

  
But my self restraint, was, at that time, wearing quite thin. Each time that I've thought there was a chance I might lose Sango, it eroded just a little, and when you're on a quest such as I, that tends to happen a lot. 

And I think, seeing her being manipulated, her, the strong determined one, manipulated, because of the doubts I had imbedded in her, that alone was enough to break my restraint altogether. So I just told her. I wanted to. I had wanted to for so long. 

I told her she was a very special girl to me. Come to think about it, I told her just about everything but flat out 'I love you', and that was simply because, even without self-restraint, the faint clatter of the rosary was restraint enough in itself.

And then, me being the ever smooth talker that I am, I told her that was exactly why I couldn't love her.

  
And don't ask me what I mean by that, I have no idea. By that time, the restraint had returned and I was simply fumbling desperately for some excuse. 

I knew she loved me, but I still had no idea just how much that one simple sentence would upset her.

Each one of her tears we're like daggers, and each one was digging farther and farther into my restraint. And it wore it away. Again. …perhaps I helped a little.

So I starting talking again, telling her I wasn't done yet... and I wasn't, I mean, it really couldn't end that way could it? Of course not, because, despite what I said, have said, will say, and am saying, I _do_ love her. 

But... To tell her that, would mean I would end up hurting her... When the Kazaana finally catches up with me... I mean... _if _it does..

So instead of confessing my undying love to her, I asked her to bare my child... And live with me... But only after Naraku is dead... 

Who would I be to leave the woman I love a widow with a child to take care of? 

I half expected her to turn me down, after all, I hadn't told her I love her, and besides, death already has its grip on me.

She said yes. Yes. I know, I can hardly believe it myself.

I, the lecherous monk, finally found someone to bare my child, _granted I live that long._.

And I couldn't be happier with who I found... Except the guilt, because I don't want to hurt her… she cares for me… and if I die… It _will_ hurt her...

So we will just go on as we were until Naraku is dead... I just hope _I_ don't die first. 

And so far, my plan has worked pretty efficiently, nothing has really changed since I asked her.

Oh, except that _one_ thing, I haven't groped any girls.

Well, occasionally my hand does wander to _her_, but she never said I couldn't do that. And I still get reprimanded by a hit over the head with that boomerang of hers. And, just so you know, its bloody painful. You wouldn't think it would be, for how many times I've been hit with it, and yet still I keep on, but looks are deceiving, it hurts like hell. 

Its worth it though. 

But back to that other thing, I really haven't groped any girls, not one, unless you count Sango. That's saying a lot too, because, after so many times I've done it, it's became more of a habit than something I do intentionally. 

  
But I did it for her. I'd do anything for her, but she rarely asks for anything. But this time she did, and I wasn't/am not about to let her down.

You see, after she agreed to bare my child… she went on to say that _other_ thing...

'So... so... You won't cheat on me anymore?'

Still yet, her voice echoes in my mind. Its funny, how just one sentence can ruin a particularly nice moment. And me, always the intelligent one of course, had responded with a, well... Nothing. I didn't say anything. Baka. I hope I've made up for my lack of response by not groping girls.

Actions speak louder than words... Or so they say.

We haven't even mentioned that day since then… not one word, though I suppose everyone knows by now, Sango and Kagome-sama with their 'girl talk'. That is, if she wasn't spying in the first place… and if _she_ was spying, than that means Inuyasha and Shippo were too... 

Kagome-sama, though the most kind hearted soul I've ever met, has a bad habit of getting into other people's business. To put it bluntly, The girl is nosy. But I'm a perverted monk. We all have our own little quirks.

I look over at the taiji-ya beside me with her eyes closed, she's still not asleep.

We haven't heard anything on Kohaku in a while, I'm pretty sure that's what has her so worried…Or perhaps she's worrying about me now… that's my fault… giving her more things to worry about…

Why did I have to get close to her?! Why, when all I can ever bring her is pain? All I have to offer is death and a big hole in my hand that tends to suck up things. 

Oh, and my love... there's _that_. 

I would be faithful to her, and the best husband known to man. Excuse me, I _will_ be faithful to her… when we are together... If we get to be…

Why must everything good be layered with unhappiness?

Ah, and now her brow is furrowed. And she expects me to think she is sleeping? You know, sometimes I get the feeling that she doubts my intelligence.

Its so quite in here that I can hear her breathing, its not regular enough for her to be asleep. I may not have ears like Inuyasha, but I _am_ observant. 

Her chest rises and falls in not so rhythmic patterns.... Her curvy, luscious... **_BAD MIND!_**

But does that battle suit have to be _so_ tight? Honestly sometimes I think she is _taunting_ me! 

And she's so deep in thought... Maybe …if I were to be really , really sneaky and quiet..

My hand darts out in reach of those curves I am eyeing so obviously, _which _I might add, she would know about if she'd quit trying to deceive me and open her damn eyes.

Quieter... Slower... I don't want her to catch me... Just a little more... And...There, my so often sought after reward.

She actually takes a second or two to respond, she probably thinks I don't notice this. It seems like each time she lets my hand stay just a tad bit longer. 

Oh, and here is my proof that I dared go and try to grope a woman, a taiji-ya for that matter.

That sharp pain on my cheek and the newly acquired red handprint in the same spot. 

It was worth it.

  
Her eyes are open now, I suppose she wanted the utmost precision when slapping me. 

She looks at me, in what I'm assuming she wanted to be a stern way. However, she quickly turns away, hoping I don't notice the small girlish smile, and almost inaudible giggle.

Sure Sango, of course I didn't notice that, at least I won't tell you I did, if that makes you feel any better.

And now she turns back around, her grin subdued and her face almost expressionless, but she can't get rid of that sparkle in her eye that I'm positive wasn't there before. She doesn't think I notice. Maybe I should tell her that I'm not oblivious. Kami, I'm not Inuyasha!

For lack of anything better to do I'm sure, she leans back against the wall, closing her eyes again.

"Keep your hands to yourself Miroku."

She _just_ said my name!! Does anyone know how long I've waited to hear my name come from her mouth?! To hear anything but the usual 'Houshi-sama' or the far more dreaded 'hentia'.

I've known her far too long for her to remain so formal with me. Kagome-sama was calling me by my name practically the day I met her! Granted...I did kidnap her and steal her shards… which.. portrayed me in a less than respectable manner... But still, Sango is.. different, in a good way of course... and she finally said my name. 

Sadly, I don't think she even noticed it, Just a slip of the tongue..

Or no, she did notice, but it was still on accident. She's blushing. I'm glad she has her eyes closed, I don't want her to see my sad smile. I love her so much.

I wish that I could tell her that.

Just once, for only just a little while, do you understand now? Why I want my just once? 

Just once I would like to be with her, to tell her I love her, to touch her without being slapped, just to kiss her

. 

Just once I would like to forget all the things that prevent that… because… if I don't now… there's a pretty good chance I won't ever get too…

*************************Sango's POV************************************

I would never say it aloud, never speak it, but…even I have wants too..

Just once I would like to ignore my responsibilities, to ignore the need to avenge my family, to ignore Naraku, to ignore houshi-sama's air rip…

Sad isn't it? That even in my thoughts I refrain from using his actual name…

Never mind, I'm straying from the subject, and I need to admit something, right here, right now, I have to admit it myself.

…as awful as it sounds to admit it.. I would like to ignore Kohaku. Just once.

  
Don't get me wrong. He's my brother, I love him, I'd die for him. But I'm only human. You have to understand, please? I guess it's just too hard to explain..

And I'm not even talking about forever, not a week, _just once._

…Only a few minutes of ignorant bliss, a few minutes of just ignoring my problems and being as normal as I can be.

Of course, I never was to be 'normal', I mean, I knew that when I decided to become a demon exterminator. But still..

I know it's wrong for me to feel such self pity, if anyone has a reason to feel bad, well, it's anyone _but_ me.

Especially Kagome. Sometimes I wonder how she goes on. She was just a girl from the future that fell into something she didn't understand. And then she had been handed such an huge responsibility, one even my entire village couldn't withstand, and yet, she had so readily accepted it. And it's not just that either. There's Inuyasha, and how attached she's gotten to everyone here, does she herself even know what her true time is anymore? It must be confusing. What will she do when the jewel is complete and Naraku is dead? _If _that ever comes to be.

I used to wander what kept her here, the love for her friends….the love for Inuyasha? 

  
Or if it was just that she feels its her responsibility. 

That was before I got to know the girl as well as I do now. Over time I've answered my own question, it's both or the aforementioned reasons, as well as one other thing.

Simply that that's just the way she is. 

  
_She_ doesn't complain. 

See, I _shouldn't _feel this way, and I probably _wouldn't_…

if it weren't for... _him_

He's sitting beside me. And to clear a few things up, I am completely aware of the short distance between us, I also know that he's just as awake as I am… I just hope he doesn't know that, because, if he does then he'll most likely….

I open one eye upon hearing the slight rustling of his robes, even if I hadn't though… He's so very predictable, or perhaps I just know him too well.

"Keep your hands to yourself Houshi-sama."

Oh how my mouth contradicts my mind…

This time he doesn't even pretend to be innocent.

Strange, I wander why... I hope there's not something wrong, I hope he's alright. 

Oh, there's that smile of his, that smile that suggests much more than just a friendly gesture… not that I would mind, if it weren't for my responsibilities, of course.

I close my eye again… maybe he will fall for my false sleep and I can be alone with my damning thoughts.

Oh, I know your wandering, If I was aware that I was within groping range, why didn't I do something about it. 

I don't know…

I think maybe because I like being near him… and… And, should he grope me, I take it as reassurance that he actually does feel something for me… of course… I would never let _him_ know that.

I love him, but that's old news right?

He asked me the dreaded question…. finally.

He did something right for once… I mean, sure, first he basically told me he didn't love me…but he said he wanted me to bare his child after Naraku was dead and live with him…

Which, translated from Miroku language, means 'I love you, but lets make sure I'm going to be alive long enough to have these kid's with you before I go and do something stupid like tell you I love you cause' it'll only bring you pain if I happen to die because of this big air void in my hand'.

I guess maybe he isn't just a sex deprived play boy.

He never promised he wouldn't cheat on me anymore.

I asked him, if his proposal meant that he wouldn't cheat on me anymore..

He never answered.. 

He hasn't thoug, Not once, sure, sometimes he does try to grope _me_. But I never said he couldn't do that… of course, I always slap him or hit him over the head with my boomerang, whatever is handiest at the time.

Even if he said he didn't love me… actually the word he used was 'couldn't. I know that he does…

Even without my ability to translate Miroku language, it's easy to tell.

Simply because, basicaly what he said was that he couldn't love me until Naraku is dead, but it's not exactly like you can stop yourself from loving someone. Believe me, I know.

…But still, even knowing that he loves me is not enough, how I would love for him to say it aloud, just to reassure me..

I'm sure he thinks this is the best way, to prevent me from getting hurt. Doesn't he realize that its already been done? That there's no going back… **I LOVE HIM!**

Even if he doesn't say it, even if he doesn't do anything but be my companion to fight along side with until Naraku is dead, I will still be completely and irreversibly hurt if he dies…The harm has already been done…

I can understand the part about not wanting me to bear his child until Naraku is dead, after all, then when, _if, _ he dies he would be leaving behind both me _and_ a child.

Oh Kami, do you know how bad I don't want him to die? How much I pray for just another day with him? That each night I go to sleep afraid that this might have been my last day with him… and then I regret everything I haven't done…

I've said it before, well, not in these exact words, but I'll say it again anyway.

I would rather die with him than live without him…

So hopefully, when, _if_, that hell hole of his decides to suck him up, I'll be there right beside him.

Forget avenging my family. Forget Kohaku. Right then, if that happens, none of it will matter at all anymore.

This is what keeps me up…worrying about him. Kami why do I have to love him? Why _him_? The one that was cursed from the start? I fell in love with him knowing perfectly well that his life was constantly in danger…

Of course… I don't think I knew I was falling in love with him.

Damnit. How very careless of me, so deep was I in my thoughts that I failed to notice his roaming hand. It hasn't quite made its way to its destination yet. It's still posed in mid air as if he's debating on whether or not to go through with it.

You wander how I know this without opening my eyes? Well, you see, it's the funniest thing, If I am to open my eyes just a slight crack and look down… I can see his hand perfectly,

But my eyes still seem to be shut.

I _should _slap him right now. I _should_ protest. I _should _be doing anything but what I'm doing.

Which is nothing. I stay silent…

Why? Because, right now, being groped by him, seemingly unwillingly, is the only thing that separates me from the other girls…

His hand is on my breast now. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not a pervert. And, just so you know, the material my demon exterminator suit is made of pretty much permits me from feeling anything. Just a slight pressure when before there was none. Nothing pleasant, nothing... perverted… its just my reassurance.

I let him stay there a little longer than usual… one… two…

Better stop before he notices the extra time, I just wanted to have my reassurance.

Alright, and now for my reaction. Open eyes. Look angry . Slap hard on face. Satisfying red hand print. Work is done…

Well . if it weren't for that damn grin I'm sure I have on my face.. and.. what? ..am I …giggling?

Sheesh, now for an extra step to my reaction. Turn around quickly, subdue grin, stop giggling like a little schoolgirl.

And now I think its safe to turn back around. So I give him a stern glance and lean back against the wall, once again closing my eyes. 

"Keep your hands to yourself Miroku."

Yes. I said his name. And, I completely and totally meant to. But thankfully, I'm sure he will think it was on accident. I can feel the blush on my cheeks… good… that'll make him think it was an accident and I just realized it.. Good… now he won't mention it. 

I meant to do that, to call him by his real name… 

Calling him houshi-sama is just getting to be ridiculous. So I called him by his real name, just once, and, contrary to what I'm sure he's thinking, doing it on purpose is what embarrassed me, hence the blush.

Kami I love him..

Just once I'd like to ignore everything, and just be with him..

I hear him lean back against the wall with a thud, he doesn't seem any happier than I am. \

Perhaps he is worrying about his air rip, about death, he does all the time.

I can't say that I blame him, hell, I probably worry about it just as much as he does..

He might die, before I ever get the chance to be with him, so, tell me, why can't I have my just once?

My eyes flutter open as curiosity gets the best of me. 

Just as I expected, his eyes are closed, but there is no way he is sleeping, his face is contorted into a strained expression, betraying pain and fear..

I'm so much more stealthy than him… 

Hypothetically speaking… If I chose to do so, I could lean over and kiss him without him knowing until it was too late, _hypothetically _of course..

Oops..

I guess that wasn't so hypothetical.

I'm halfway to his face, And I call myself self-controlled…

But why can't I have my just once…? 

All I wanna' do is kiss him… and maybe tell him I love him, don't I deserve it? 

No…

Of course I don't… I have responsibilities…

Then why haven't I leaned back already? Why am I still only inches away from his lips…

No… I.. . I can't..

***********************back to Miroku's POV*****************************

My eyes are closed but that doesn't mean I can't feel her staring at me. Nor does it mean I can't hear her almost silent movement. Just what is she doing?

Is she.. leaning over me? 

I could almost swear I can feel her breath on my face…

Hey! What _is_ she doing? Surely she wouldn't be…

You know… with her like she is right now… It would be really easy for me to just lean up and kiss her… really easy..

Of course… I can't do that… There's still my air rip… and Naraku… and all the other many things that prevent me from doing that just yet…  


but…just once?

Did she just get closer? No… I can't do _that!_

Oh, why the hell not? 

**********Sango's Pov***************

He's… he's… leaning up… he's…Oh Kami he just… kissed me… lightly and quick… but..

He kissed me!

..and now…

Now he's staring at me… his deep violet eyes are staring right into my own…What am I supposed to do?

Oh right..do that thing I was about to do just before he did it first. 

Kiss him.

I lean forward and press my lips against his.. He seems at first surprised.

Did he have a change of heart? Maybe we should stop.

But wait. Now he has a look on his face… one that basically says..

'oh what the hell'.

My point exactly.

*******************

The demon exterminator and the houshi kissed. One watching would assume that it was supposed to be a kiss to make up for all the lost kisses and ones they might never have. They were careful to be quite, hoping to not wake their sleeping companions. 

Apparently they didn't notice the three figures with only one eye open, watching…or, rather, _spying…_

Or maybe they did notice and chose to ignore them.

After they finished their one passionate kiss, the two collapsed into each others arms in a timeless embrace. It almost appeared as though they were crying... the way both their body's shook… and if one were to listen carefully… they might hear the almost silent sobs.

They parted, with only one small conversation of explanation for both their strange acts, before both of them leaned back into their respective places.

"Know that I love you Sango…"

The demon exterminator nodded, as another tear fell down her cheek. 

"I.. love you too Miroku…"

"You understand Sango… right? I had too… just once.."

"Just once houshi-sama…just once.."

The demon exterminator that had previously been having so much trouble with the task, was asleep in seconds, for the first time in months, years even, having no regrets from the day.

The houshi smiled, lightly touching his fingers to his lips, as if the kiss might still linger there. He could rest easy tonight…for once, he wasn't all that concerned about what the next day had to bring... at least he had had his just once… Thank Kami for that.

The three spectator's closed their eyes, deciding that the show was apparently over… it was strange… their companion's actions..

But there was no time to dwell on that now, they needed rest, tomorrow was another day of shard hunting, another day of getting closer to their destiny, whatever that turned out to be.

~Owari~ 

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Reviews are very muchly so appreciated.

-The Deity of Fun Dinner-


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